An Odd Loneliness

I feel that there are as many types of loneliness as there are types of love or anger or sadness. Loneliness can be internal or external; quiet or chaotic; reflective or outward.

Today, my loneliness is oddly listless and passive. I wrote the other day that I was feeling passive about being physically unwell and was suffering from a sort of impatience. Today, I’m feeling much better, physically, but I’m going through an apathetic phase.

It’s not unusual for me to feel apathetic. I have anxiety and depression and tend to turn apathetic after strong bouts of either of those. I also can get apathetic after a particularly intense “scene” with my SO (here I’m referring to the BDSM aspect of our relationship, rather than the more standard parts of it). But it’s odd for my to feel apathetic without being able to link it to a specific moment or event. Not unheard of, but rare.

It’s even more unusual for me to feel introspectively lonely during an apathetic spell, but that’s exactly what I’m feeling right now. It’s one of those days when it feels as though the outside world has ceased to continue on – my universe has shrunk down to encompass just myself and my immediate surroundings . . . even the TV is just a comfortable, distant murmur and play of color and light. Because of this sensation of being suspended in a pocket of existence, time is behaving oddly as well. It’s passing quickly, yet I feel like I’m accomplishing a lot (even though that’s likely only an illusion).

My SO is home, in fact, and has been for several hours, but he’s not feeling well and is snoring in bed, at the moment. I’ve barely said a few words to anyone today, even though my friend D dropped by to see what I was up to and whether or not he could talk me into going out for breakfast with him – he was a bit late on that, because I’d already had leftovers from yesterday’s breakfast feast.

I think part of my loneliness comes from being so content with being on my own today. I haven’t really felt a craving for company, though I do find myself missing the usual presence of my SO – even though he’d be watching TV and I’d be typing away, there would be some dialogue between us, some connection and exchange.

Maybe that’s what this loneliness really is: the missing of an exchange.

On the plus side, I’ve managed to get some more work done for the outlining and planning of the novel idea I mentioned earlier. And I’m pleased with some of the details that have come out of the character exercises. I’m pretty sure I’ll use some of the imagery from my page of notes on the Main Character. I’ll have more time to work on the outlining and such tomorrow morning, because my SO goes to work at 7:00AM . . . which means I’ll be dropped off at Starbucks and have about an hour and a half to type before I have to start walking to work to get there by 9:00AM.

In an effort to break this apathy and this stagnant feeling, I’m going to go ahead and tidy up the apartment (something I normally do just before bed, rather than three hours before I start heading to sleep). I don’t know that it will help, but it will give me a break from typing – which I’ve been doing on and off all day and which I know adds to my sense of general detachment when I’m not sufficiently distracted by other things.


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